Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Stop, Thief!!!


More from the darker side series: One of the things I learned during my pre-adoption training is that if the child comes from a hard environment into what he perceives as a fantasy world where everything seems perfect, he (or she) will work very hard to be perfect so he can fit in. The child is deathly afraid of being sent back, and so becomes the perfect little angel. Always agreeable, always helpful, always...perfect.

But he can't stay perfect forever, and the point at which most kids break is six months. At that point, they start wondering whether we could possibly love them for their REAL selves, and they start pushing the envelope and acting up to test us. Their mental process at that point works something like this: "Well, they might not love me if they really knew who/what I am, and although I like it here, I just know they'll send me back someday if they knew how really bad I am--after all, my REAL parents did that. So if I show them now what I'm really like, at least I KNOW they'll send me back, and I'm the one in control of the situation, I won't be caught by surprise, 'cause I know what they'll do."

Heart-breaking, isn't it? Children actually believe that they did something bad to cause their birthparents to abandon them. What they don't realize is that WE ARE THE REAL PARENTS in this case, and we're onto them. We have to love them through this time and prove that they aren't going anywhere.

In Charlie's case this was, thankfully, short-lived.

On the dot of six months (right on schedule!) one day I had the sensation that some money was missing from my wallet. I never carry a great deal of cash, and honestly usually don't know down to the dollar what's in there, but I just felt like something was missing. So I decided to pay better attention. Sure enough, within a few more days, a $10 bill went missing, and this time I knew it was gone. I had last seen it the evening before, and shortly after that had stopped for gas. Charlie usually gets my card out of my wallet for me as we pull up to the pump, so I had a pretty good hunch when and where it had gone missing.

I was at my office, and I have videoconference ability to reach Charlie from there. Still, just for due diligence's sake, I called oldest son Rick to make sure he hadn't borrowed it, though he always lets me know if he needs to borrow anything. He hadn't. So, I called Charlie to ask if he knew anything about it. He said that he bet it fell out of my wallet and rolled under the seat of the car, and he'd be happy to check once I got home.

Yeah, right. My suspicion is that he would have gone to look for it while "palming" the bill so that he could miraculously produce it.

Well, I was headed to school after work that night and wouldn't be back until he was asleep.

When I got home from school, I did check under the seat of the car, just to be absolutely sure it wasn't there. Then I came in the house and talked to Rick to fill him in on the sitch, and said "Go get him up."

A sleepy, bleary-eyed Charlie comes down the stairs. I asked again about the $10, and got the same story as earlier--it must have fallen under the seat of the car, and if I would let him go change into his clothes, he'd go out and look for it.

Hmmm.....lemme 'splain somethin' here, kid. First, I looked under the car seat already, and guess what? It isn't there! Now let me demonstrate something. Here's my wallet. See how my cards are in the snap section, and the money is in the zip section? That means that the money was zippered into this section and couldn't get out because you only opened the snap section to get the card out for me. Oh, but let's just suppose I accidentally left the zipper section unzipped. Gosh, the darned paper money just won't fall out! (I'm shaking the wallet upside-down really hard at this point.) And gee, let's look at this--if somehow a bill did fall out (I pulled one free and let it fall), IT DOESN'T ROLL. So it isn't going under the car seat.

Okay, now I think we've established that the money did not fall out and roll under the car seat. I want to get to the bottom of this, and it's late, and I want to go to bed, too, so I will simply tell you that if you lied to me, yes, you will be punished. But if you CONTINUE to lie to me, the punishment will be even greater--you will not be going to deaf camp. So, I'm going to ask you one more time: What do you know about the $10 missing from my wallet?

I unzipped the wallet while you were pumping gas and saw the money in there and took it and put it in my pocket and I have it upstairs and if you let me get up I'll go get it right now and give it back.

He sang like a canary. Who needs waterboarding????

Yes, he was punished for the initial lie, so that he would know that misdeeds carry consequences. But he got to go to camp, and he was still entrusted to get the card out for me when we pulled into the gas station, although he knew I was keeping closer watch on the money in there.

Most importantly, we ended the night with a hug and "I love you" signs after the tears and threats were over, and he felt secure not only that the rules were in place and enforced, but that he wasn't being sent anywhere, ever. No matter what.